public love diary LONG BEACH

march 12

waiting for izzy

I was really nervous before I arrived and all the days leading up to my departure from New York.  Even though I do this all the time, over and over again for six years now, it is still like jumping off a high diving board into really cold water.  Not that it has to be that startling or severe but it takes me that long internally to kind of hedge around and talk to myself, even if in everyone else's reality that procrastination seems slight or non-existent, there is an animal inside of me that is pulling a little on the line, a wild part that is about to bolt.  At the same time that wild part is what pulls me here, what magnetizes me to what I do . . . torn apart by the attraction to the surprise of life, can't stay away from the moment, even though I am so happy to be really quiet and protected too.

Like last night, it was great to go to my room after a really full day that started with chanting and kundalini yoga with Oev at 7 (and the clocks changed so it was really 6 and also I had a 3 hour time difference) and then sitting a little with Mursshud and a couple of cups of coffee in and around all of that (Oev told me that the super coffee machine they have here at Rudra grinds by the cup and that makes the coffee an anti-oxidant . . that's a relief . . especially with that ecstatic almost wicked gleam in her eye).

I picked Jordan up.  He flew in from NY yesterday to prepare to film the Public Love Project.  Unfortunately he sprained his back moving all his equipment to the airport, so he spent the rest of the day soaking and napping.

But back to my room in the night . . last night I loved being there and stretching out and closing the door and, I can confess, watching an episode of the L word in 10 minute increments off of You Tube and doing things that I preferred to be in a solitary cocoon to do and I was thinking . .

tomorrow izzy will be laying in this bed
tomorrow  I will be thinking about being silent or talking
tomorrow there will be more stuff and tomorrow . .

and my stomach did little flips and I breathed into and thought about my daughters getting ready to drive cross-country, all three of them together, leaving from San Francisco, and I tried to feel the response of my heart to the thought of them and then I tried to hold that joy and automatic openness as an imprint and I have been trying to remember that all day.

 

march 13

beginning to really see

Yesterday I was waiting for Izzy.  Today I am still waiting for Izzy.

I went to the airport to pick her up at around 4:30 in the afternoon.  Jordan & I had been driving around picking up supplies:

half & half
organic greens
cashews
a new hard drive for my computer
yellow legal pads
gel pens

I was nervous to see her and I wasn't sure how to be, if I should come on my own and have time with her, preparing her . . which felt a little codependent but what the hell -- loving all the same -- or to just jump into the whole thing, filming all the way, with people around, chaotic, and let her find her center with me loving more atmospherically . . . trying hard to be myself . . .

As things happen, Jordan and I ran out of time, so he came with me but we didn't bring the camera.  He decided to sit in the car while I went to baggage claim.

I had imagined what this union would be like so many times, how it would be to see her, how it would be for her to see me.  I had practiced being with any situation and by practicing had tried to have no expectations.

She wasn't there.  She didn't come.  I looked and looked at everyone standing there at the baggage claim and tried to imagine their lives and tried to see Izzy and tried to not be afraid and keep my heart relaxed, but she wasn't there. She didn't come.

I can admit now, now that Izzy did not come and that (physical) moment did not happen -- when we saw each other or didn't see each other at the airport -- that I was relieved, although saddened and disappointed, that she wasn't there . . .  I realized that I was feeling a little bit like a super hero about to meet her nemesis, her arch rival . . .

Somehow I love to be terrified.

I don't know how or why I felt this, if it was about me or her, a true premonition or a projection. 

I haven't heard from her at all.  She hasn't logged onto MySpace in a week, which was the last day I spoke with her, when she assured me her sister was driving her to the airport.  The last thing she said to me was

I can't wait to come

in a tone much the same as the dry hello she started the conversation with me.

That phone number was disconnected the next day and remains disconnected.  I don't know why that didn't concern me.  People keep asking me that.

Last night I grieved some.  There was a moment that it could have been anger but once I had compassion for Izzy, whatever happened, the grief that welled up inside of me, whether appropriate or historical felt so comforting.

This morning I decided that the project had started and I am as devoted to her, if not more, as I am to love.

 

march 13

missing you



I'm not sure what happened yesterday

I am still here, and I decided to go ahead and love you anyway and do my thing here

whatever that is

but definitely let me know what I can do to get you here if that is what you still need to do

or let me know if I can do anything else for you

love, kathe
                               

march 14

why

I am trying to believe:

I am good
the world is good
I am not alone
everything is perfect


I feel overwhelmed.

march 15 morning

rudra love shoes

 

<3  <3  <3

March 16

germination
(without izzy)
(with izzy in my heart)

(the first official love appointments in the love den)

oev

 

(i have so much love for you)
(we sit together everyday)
(i love morning practice)
(i love when you set me up for the mediation)
(everyday you demonstrate the position of the hands)
(everyday you place one hand in front of the other and you press
your thumbs into each other)
(and you talk about trust)
(developing trust)(that you are in the right place)
(with the right people)
(and I believe you)

(and your brilliant brilliant eyes)

(discipline)
(love)




steven

 

(i was so happy to see you)
(my airplane mechanic)
(beautiful man)
(i love the way you say the word fun)
(your work schedule interferes)
(over and over)
(we can be spontaneous)
(fun)
(burning man won't make me anxious)
(i will find you & then i will know i am safe)
(we leaned in to each other)
(over and over)
(we can be)
(love)

paul

 

(tribe)
(we are from the same)
(flattery will get you everywhere)
(we found a plateau of intensity)
(you)
(the seventh of twelve children)
(I was close enough to watch the tears)
(actually amplifying the slight engraving of the cells of your skin)
(then you mentioned it)
(I think it was crying in the bathtub)
(that the love had arrived and where had it been and had you even noticed)
(it was missing)
(no more)
(we didn't flinch)
(once)
(pupils fierce)
(my heart)

march 16

absolut beauty draws a bath & takes a portrait
of the love artist

march 16

I am so behind



i will catch up & clear up all confusion later
(it is the middle of the night)

march 16


amor fou










wambezi



(I heard you singing this morning in the hallway)
(The kids are all right)(The Who)
(and I heard the soaring in my heart)
(I told you the story of the boy who rode his scooter off the cliff in quadrophenia)
(was  it because he had nothing left to live for)
(or was it the only way to liberation)
(you told me about traveling your spiritual path)
(your first spiritual teacher)
(about giving everything away)
(in layers)
(of wearing what came your way)
(of accepting what was given to you)
(and keeping nothing)
(of perpetual daily hourly minute by minute mantra)

my lord jesus christ have mercy on me

(i told you the story about "accidentally" meditating on a photograph of Hazrat Inayat Khan and then the same day another picture of him fell off the top of the wardrobe and hit me on the head)
(i said he was like a shadow version of the jesus of my childhood)
(you said jesus was full of pathos and HIK was like emptiness, clear water)
(i wanted to talk about your creativity)
(you said you were thinking about  nan goldin)
(about I AM YOUR MIRROR)(you had received signed from the retrospective at the whitney)
(you didn't know there was a picture of me in that book)
(but you carried it around)(it was your last thing)(then you gave it to some boy you hardly knew)
(that was the last time I saw nan)(at that opening at the whitney)
(I told the story of seeing nan on the street when I was 20 and she was provocatively dressed and glamorously drunk)
(i was heavy and fuzzy and underneath several layers and yet I still heard her ambition like a clear bell that belonged to me)
(she said I already have a loft on the bowery and an appointment with leo castelli)
(it was the punk scene in boston and it was all my teacher at that time)
(my heart my ambition my ability to see what I wanted in my heart)
(your creativity)  (your love)  (your care)
(the serenity carrying leeloo back from the playground)
(and that knowing when a child falls asleep weighted against your shoulder)
(the thud inside the completeness of that feeling)
(the creativity in that)
(and too in the permission of allowing the relationship)
(to allow oneself love)
(to allow oneself the spaciousness of being in love)
(sitting staring in love)(me & you)
(falling into each others left eye)(then flying into each other's both eyes)
(i never know how to break it)(i never want to)
(precious love)(honey pie)
"the discipline of delight"



robert









(smiling)(you look like leonard cohen)
(you want to live for 2,000 years in a youthful body)
(an anarchist looking for spiritual enlightenment)
(the fun fun fun house)(you found rudra)
(i saw every cell in your face)
(lines smoothed down)(youth)(the dna)
(the russian jew and the italian)
(we held hands)
(i kept asking you about your epiphany)
(when (you said) God pierced your ego)
(not easy for an anarchist)(but you were ready)
(for the learning curve of love)

(love)





absolut beauty

(i came and found you)
(brought you back and you looked tired and as if it wasn't the right time yet)
(in a black dress with a thin tie belt and buttoned up)
(it wasn't the first time that I had thought)
(sister) (self)
(i cried so unabashedly in front of you)
(because of the need to love and be loved by you)
(and the restlessness of my heart in knowing it was true)
(and although I know better than to be saddened by my inadequacies in the realm of surrender)
(my heart shuddered as you attempted to show me)
(the bratty wrangly student that I am)
(how to be with)
(how to stay with enough)
(the night before the tub was waiting for me)
(like the hut in my dream)(you had made a bed for me)
(unknown to me but when I entered the dream)
(there was a meal with my name on it)
(and I sat in the heat up to my neck)
(listening to your music)
(dark moody scorpio heart)
(i called your name)
(provocateur)
(sister)
(this is the beginning)
(and we have been here for a long time)
(passionate)

march 16


the guru's clothes

I am in my bed writing in the night while many of my friends here at Rudra are downstairs and through the courtyard in the TV room in front of the huge HD home entertainment system.  Everything is really deluxe here at Rudra.  Everyone has really nice computers, kind of muscle-y cars (souped up mustangs and harley davidson turbo charger trucks for example), big screens and exotic phones, cutting healing systems that scan vibrational patterns with outrageous acumen and it is all beautiful to look at, beautiful to feel . .

I am laying up here writing because I love to and I am moving toward what feels elegant and pleasant inside my heart, inside my body and sometimes that is a very solitary path.  Even so, it was a tough call: movie time or curled up here with you.

Tonight I got into an argument with Mursshud, of sorts, but, yikes, didn't mean to  . . . I have been particularly well behaved as of late, but tired today all the same, lots of disappointment and lots of work and keeping my heart open sometimes can be so laborious, particularly here at the ashram when everything gets so stirred up, and when tired I can get peckish  . . so when the movie viewing was pushed back yet again I got a little rigid . . . when told that this was a New York thing (my problem) and that I needed to learn about flow, I got a little heated.

I might be a lot NYC at my roots but my italian blood runs even deeper and it doesn't run straight, hard or plumb. I know how to find my way and that path is a winding one.  I remember getting on a ferry in Genoa, carrying two of my children with one holding onto the back of my sweater and all of the Italians just crammed into the scaffolding that went up three stories before reaching the  main deck.  It was dark and there were masses of people and everyone was in good humour and eventually we all flowed onto the boat but not before my beautiful darling baby girl Jules stopped just short of the large gap between scaffolding and boat and moved at glacial speed forcing all the evening's passengers to breathe and contemplate the night sky, one domino after another. Sometimes, sometimes, one person's needs call everyone to order. It's just hard to know who that person is.  Who calls the universe to order.

I slowed down enough to sit in the healing clinic and get my vibrational field cleaned up by Wambezi via Matrix Energetics.  She said something about hot air balloons looming above and an island in my shoulder, a figure eight somewhere in front of me, she zipped my energy up my back, all the way up the back of my head.  It felt good.  I hung around a little bit, but didn't see Mursshud.  Didn't want to be too NY, but wanted to get up here with you, the other side of love and here I am.

march 17



offering

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.    

~  Rumi 

 

March 17


morning


you are your own guru





This morning I still felt badly about my argument with Mursshud.  I knew it was not a big deal, but just because he was a guru didn't mean that I didn't have the potential for hurting his feelings.  Not that I expected him to hold on to it, but I have a vow to myself to treat people with respect.  Also, it's no secret to those I hold close that I love and hate the papa/daddy/authority with a vengeance and there are literally a million lessons there for me to learn in this lifetime.  Or one or two if I choose to accept my mission with grace.

And as a Libra, I usually choose grace, even if I have to kick and scream and thrash first.

This morning I tried to call Mursshud to my mind during my practice.  As I usually do when I sit, I filtered through the forefront of my mind to find the people I am resisting or resenting, the places where I need to find humility, the places where I need to find compassion, the places I need to soften.

I couldn't tell if I couldn't find Mursshud, I couldn't see him, or I couldn't love him.

The field in mind and heart was static & grey.  I loved him anyway.  Like a lover who is so familiar that you cannot remember their features, I could not summon his face so I pushed forward by scent & feel like a blind person, on faith.

I was not loving him because I wanted acceptance or validity or because I wanted him to love me.  I was loving him because I wanted to feel better.  I wanted to feel more liquid in my body, more light in my heart.  Selfishly I loved him because I wanted to be free.

Later, during healing clinic, Mursshud entered and immediately it seemed as if the same issue was on the table.  I asked him if he had already sat in Rudra Flo and he began to explain that due to circumstances . . . everything had changed for the morning.  Tho he was not apologetic, he looked me in the eye and began to explain why everything had changed.  I took this as respect and it made me smile.  He made a peace sign.

I took him aside and hugged him & apologized for raising my voice.  In words I cannot transcribe accurately here, he told me that he recognized my style and process and respected the diligence of my path.  He told me I was my own guru and that I didn't need him.  He acknowledged my reality.

I held his eyes in mine and my heart grew larger than my body.  I let my feet anchor me and everything else flew.  I heard him.  I listened.  I did not shout out in my heart – stop.

March 17


slower softer

camilla







(first of all the picture does you absolutely no justice)
(except I wanted to be close)
(onebodymind)
(i knew I would love you right away)
(an email arrives from practically nowhere)
(the nowhere I have now identified as water)
(as love without a circumference)
(and there is no doubt that you will come)
(you drop everything and drive that minute from santa monica)
(i find you on the street and we embrace for good)
(you are beautiful and I have that feeling that I often get)
(that you and absolut)(two days in a row)
(have been given to me to teach me)(to slow down)
(and that yes my heart can handle it)
(it it it it)
(for the fourth time in 24 hours I feel the sides of my torso lengthening)
(the upper two thirds of my body drawn up)
(my gut freed of emotion and my heart can handle it)
(you)
(what you make me feel)
(you asked me to slow down and there is nothing in the past)
(that I have hated more)
(than being told to slow down)
(usually)
(but you touched my hand so tenderly and I was loving you)
(big time)(big love)
(and you said that 's nice)(in that slow syrupy voice of yours)
(i heard you when you said I had a beautiful heart)
(and so soft)(my heart and your hand)
(and your eyes)
(your voice)
(and I could love you and I could handle it)
(it it it it)(no longer just an unbearable pounding in my heart)
(the result of 4 shots of espresso mixed with my excitable soul)
(no longer holding a feeling in my heart)
(it no longer training my heart to expand against it's cage)
(it but being loved for real)
(i was not afraid)
(the love artist)
(peace love heart touch)

march 18 

middle of the night

dreaming/awake

the baby came into my room and took the doll
and smashed it on the bricks
while I was away
it was my mother's
my heart broke when I saw it
I heard it (my heart) crack when I let it go
tiny pieces

march 18


thinking about izzy in the desert

                                                                                   

Subject:	RE: jules mom
	actually i'm in montana right now i'm up here for the weekend and i'm going to crow tonight so i'll stop by her house and see if she's there and i'll tell her to give you a call. ----------------- Original Message ----------------- From: the love artist Date: Mar 15,:25 AM hey steven, this is jules mom, we met last year at graduation . . . I am in long beach and went to pick up izzy at the airport a few days ago and she never arrived . . I am concerned for her, just wondering if you had any info or way to call her.  The number I have for her is disconnected. let me know if you know anything also, could you tell me her lineage exactly? I know she is Crow but Jules said she was also Blackfoot, so I wanted to be clear and not get that wrong. Thanks so much for helping me. If you talk to her, please let her know I am not angry but would love to know if she still wants to come. Otherwise I am going to try and get some of my money back on her ticket. Also if I can be of any other assistance. Thanks Steven.  Let me know what you think either way. Love, Kathe

march 19


liberty advance

Late Saturday afternoon Jordan and I left Rudra Yoga to make our 3 hour expedition to the Liberty Advance.  That's about all we knew about what we were getting ourselves in for: the name, a scratchy map and that they would be waiting for us.  When we got there we it was night.  We walked in the dark dragging carts loaded with film & love equipment and my wardrobe.

When we got inside we were smack in the middle of the initial description of the night's activities: dream/sleep yoga -- a night of intentful sleep interrupted every two hours by a bell ringing and candles being lit.  If you wish, you are invited to sit up and collect your dreams. At each bell another energy center (the crown, the heart, the secret chakra . . .there is one missing, but you must remember that I am dreaming when this is happening . . ) is activated by imagining a tiny luminous buddha with blinking compassionate eyes or a dark luminous bowl or another sacred image at the point of origin of that particular dreaming cycle. 

(Excuse me for butchering this practice, it is not my intent and the practice is so lovely, but I am currently holed up on a pile of sheepskins in the psychedelic dj cardio room which is the only place where I can be on the internet typing away madly in the only period of time I can seclude myself away. . . )

Everyone sleeps together in a big room with a tiny altar at one end where the candles are lit at the beginning of each dream cycle.  I am a special guest so I have my own room which opens into the dormitory at the far end.  I wake up to remember my dreams but it is all so stimulating that sometimes I can't fall back to sleep and just sit in my doorway and dream awake while the others are sleeping. 

It helps me feel more beloved. 

The waves of breathing and dreaming flowing into me over my threshold and my heart open to them.  This has become so exciting that I can hardly sleep at all.  Though now, sitting in a scrap of sunlight, snuggled in the sheepskins, just out of the hot tub, I could take the most luxurious nap.

march 19

love cave (more soon)

March 20


love cave love-in

Tim

(you are so soft inside)
(it is easy to crawl in)
(on the first day of anything I am very young & skittish)
(like a fawn really tho I would hardly ever admit this)
(and I eased up next to you in the shed)
(we spoke of flutes & cellos and ecstatic bliss & we washed the countertops)
(I loved you so much then it was the beginning)
(but I especially loved you when you pulled out the cigarettes)
(& we shared that sacrament)(one of my favorites)(we just have to smoke sometimes)
(I don't understand why not)
(and you were perfect to walk in the desert with a cigarette with me)
(underneath everything lies still water)
(you are)
(water)



Jack

(of course the love began way before)
(you are the guardian of the kitchen)
(I know you know it takes so much mental effort)
(attention)
(to not plunge through the kitchen)
(to be respectful)
(to take the long way around)
(I have to say love a little discipline)(especially when I am being prideful)
(because I really thought I was doing a good thing)
(an important thing)(by being helpful)
(and you said yes)
(but you must set an example)
(that's when I started my fall)
(into the sky of those blue eyes)
(when you exploded onto the cave I smiled)
(you are way more than wicked big energy)
(I fell)(holding on by not holding on)
(a little bit separated at birth)(a lot right now)
(I barely remember anything but sliding through your eyes into hugeness)
(you love me)(I hold your heart)
(say yes)
(open)

Roberto

(curandero)(w/ digeridoo)
(you say you are not very interesting)
(and I follow you anyway)
(under the tree)(Jordan asks if he offends you)
(by telling you there are no chakras)
(you say no)(you do not offend me)(because I know there are chakras)
(you are so regal in your simplicity)(with utter grace and no bullshit)
(I know it wasn't an official de rigeur love appointment)
(first of all I asked you to give me a treatment)
(because I liked you)
(the first night you sat and moved your hands in odd mudras)
(with your eyes closed while everyone spoke)
(and I was in my new mode and I thought oh now here we go)
(I was judgemental)
(and then I saw you move)(and move again)(and walk across the land)
(but especially when I saw you wash your dish)(in the soapy tub)
(and especially when I saw you dry it)
(the most beautiful man)
(thank you)

march 20

loving into the night

fanshen









(I don't know why)(I was so magical this morning and such a dork in the afternoon)
(I am sure you didn't see me that way)(one really never knows how one appears to others)
(I felt jerked out of my cave)(from my ultimate love scenario)(so far)(except for the ultra deluxe Great Eastern Hotel in London)
(that was my best performance ever)(singing from my knees for strangers)
(but we always get what we need)(always)(perfect contract)
(& your contract was a sudden change of plans in the ever fluid nanny project)
(you didn't know my contract with Jordan which is one that mostly involves light & then he pays forward by not interrupting)
(so no cave cause of the impending sunset & the little hut was ours)
(& I actually felt shy & out of my element)(but I held onto your eyes like a lifeboat)
(& you were there)
(you led the dream yoga the first night)(I was so aware of you)
(& you of me)(I raised my hand & asked that I not be disturbed)
(but I couldn't stay away)(you saw me in my doorway)(I heard you)
(you told me about the streams that you restore)(organic rehabilitative engineering)
(I had never heard of anything like this before)(to bring a piece of nature back)
(like our natural minds)(we can do it)(it is so hopeful)
(it was getting darker & I asked if we could be quiet)
(first I asked if you had any questions)
(you said what else is there besides eye contact & being genuine)
(I said exactly)(what else is there)
(I was not feeling the diva)(I wanted to give you more)
(but what else is there)
(rocks &sky)
(simplicity)




flow







(it was already late & getting dark)
(I saw you walking up the path from your nannying)
(I was already breaking down the love palace)(so I invited you into the real love palace)
(my bedroom)(slumber party)
(first thing you told me was how much you loved your husband & how much he loved you)
(& in that way you loved me right away)
(by trust)
(I was all curled up & could barely give a thing)
(but I blinked my eyes like the little buddha that drops into my heart)
(& radiated continually)(for you)
(yes got right in my heart & did the push push)(beat)(beat)
(you got the tired & the doubt)(& it was beautiful)
(rudra flow moumanie kadre)(you are love)
(bliss)

march 20

three beautiful women love me

cindy

(your wild crazy eyes)(you got me going)(we were tripping right away)
(I told you I have just noticed the eyes)(maybe they have always looked that way)
(maybe I was afraid to look)(maybe I didn't know)(maybe I didn't know how)
(now I am sure my eyes look like that too)(what I see is bright stare)
(the iris' backlit by god)(at wigmore I thought it was backlit by wheatgrass)
(but no wheatgrass here)(just nectar dripping into ours hearts while we sit)
(while we sleep)
(you were really good to me from the first minute I arrived)
(you are really the sweetest thing)
(you told me about your impeccable timing)
(how you arrived at liberty)(car dies)(you don't want the car anymore)
(tow truck arrives & buys your car & you are free)
(you never have anything extra)
($200 in your wallet)(still there after 2 weeks)(you are taken care of)
(you get what you need)
(& seemingly what you needed was to give me a massage)
(I could take it from you)
(I did)
(in solitude)
(we are alone)
(together)
(bliss)

melissa

(I had been waiting for you)
(we had walked around each other all week)
(like big cats)
(you are big)(despite the tiny vessel)
(growing into yourself)(beauty)
(you loved my new york)(I was working my way through to you)
(it wasn't as hard as either of us imagined)
(I was brave)(I told you everything I was thinking)
(I told you I was an aloof baby)(that was the story)
(I told you the story of my birth)(my mother sick with a fever)
(me in the nursery behind the glass)(in the arms of a big black nurse)
(my familiar)
(you told me you were many things)
(aloof was one)(but in the brown of your eyes I saw sadness)
(I was happy to find the familiar in your brown eyes)
(so many blue eyes here)(it is harder to find the opening in brown eyes)
(but the search)(of value)
(you are fierce)

(I remembered)(& then I told you)(the vision)

(the dangerous mouth of the huge tiger over me)(head bigger than my whole body)(licking the crust from my heart)

(I gave it to you)

(we are both sensitive)(we see everything)(& we filter)(gently)(slowly)
(we are learning to be generous to ourselves)
(& I automatically gave you the love artist teachings)
(turned over in their entirety to you for the first time ever)
(you are now an initiate)(& don’t worry I will call on you)
(bold love)

daphne

(beautiful forest creature)
(I finally lured you in)(laughing)(smiling)
(you hold yourself in grace)(I was glad I was finally able to tell you)
(you said you were shy)(& then I think you used the phrase airy-fairy to Jordan)
(it didn't hurt my feelings)(but I wanted a chance to let you know)
(who I was)(& what I saw in you)
(beautiful)
(beautiful mother)(beautiful son)
(it is hard to do what you need to do)(& to teach your son to respect it)
(he does respect you)(& respects himself to be a little moody & find the cave)
(all alone)(ten years old)(playing all day in the rocks)(while you take care of yourself)
(you must have been so proud when he showed everyone his movie)
(he was)
(you chose to be his mother)(he chose you)
(it almost made me cry seeing the two of you curled up at night)
(reading with the flashlight)
(an island in the dormitory)
(you make that safe place)
(love is the unifier!)

march 21


a star without a name

 

 

When a baby is taken from the wet nurse,
it easily forgets her
and starts eating solid food.

Seeds feed awhile on ground,
then lift up into the sun.

So you should taste the filtered light
and work your way toward wisdom
with no personal covering.

That's how you came here, like a star
without a name.  Move across the night sky
with those anonymous lights.

                                                                                                                      
Rumi

 

march 21


clearing



brian






(generating compassion)
(be aware of the suffering of others)(all sentient beings everywhere)
(in all times)
(dedicate your practice to alleviating the suffering of ordinary)
(unconscious existence)
(this morning)(it is now the next morning)(after I loved you)(in the cave)
(this morning)(I sat next to you in the practice room during sadhana)
(and during bodhicitta I could feel you crying)
(when I looked at you)(I could not see tears)
(but inside myself)(I knew you were crying)
(it is unclear)(if I would have felt you)(if we hadn't sat together)
(in the cave)(but now I know you)
(I could feel you before)(hunting)(searching)
(paying attention)
(you helped me carry the kindling)(& build the fire)
(we talked about desperation)(bill w)(loneliness)
(I asked about your epiphany)(you gave up everything for yourself)
(you are light)(& you are suffering)                                  
(you are dedication)
(you are)
(surrender)




david







(so now I find the big pupils)(in your eyes)
(the first so big I get lost)(I dissemble in your eyes)
(I pray for the person that falls into you)
(you are a lover)(I am melting)(who wouldn't)(yummy yummy boy)
(you told me how you came here)
(you tell me how you found love)
(there are no questions)
(I sing)(I cry while smiling so big I feel my head will crack open)
perhaps I had a wicked childhood
perhaps I had a miserable youth
but somewhere in my wicked miserable past
I must have had a moment of truth
for here you are standing there loving me
whether or not you should
so somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
nothing comes from nothing
nothing ever would
so somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good
(forever)




nyingie







(you were sitting on the bed)(at the corner of the cave)
(watching me love your lover)
(I could feel you)(& I could feel the pressure in my heart)
(of your love for him)(like the pressure of static electricity)
(the pushing of the invisible)
(like the energy that builds in these appointments)
(why I hesitate to reach out and touch)
(I hate to disturb the fragile vibration between our bodies)
(our hearts & our eyes)
(the coarseness of the fingers)(stumble)
(I told you the secret)(that)(though very sparingly)
(I hook up with more women than men)(in the true love project)(because)
(& I broke our spell to apologize to the invisible Jordan)
(the in-house heterosexual male)
(practicing spiritual camerawork in the corner of the cave)
(because)(men)(straight men)(if I can make a generalization)(get overstimulated)
(by vibration)(& skip over)(women can make love inside)(the vibration)
(we giggled)
(I was conscious of your deep commitment to your practice)
(& the movement of time)
(we had been loving each other since the moment of my arrival)
(your generosity is like your skin)(everywhere with no seams)
(I sang)(again)
why do birds suddenly appear
everytime
you are near
just like me
they long to be
close to you
(truth)

march 22


delay

I am thinking & cooking & cooking & thinking.  Inside. Outside.  Moving around.  Touching people & people touching me.  Lying in the sun.  Sitting in the cave.  Eating food that was prepared for me.  Dreaming. What I thought was love before is still love, but just a corner of love.

march 23


french inhale






Liberty Advance ran on a tight schedule.  Very contrary to the seeming free-for-all, or rather flow (I love you Mursshud) experience of Rudra, with all sorts of people coming & going literally at every hour.  In my little guest room upstairs in the back of the courtyard I could hear people taking showers, making coffee, rustling around on their computers, padding down the hall . . all night long.  Sometimes there would be people in the classes in the middle of the night (a 4-6 - am! - Kabbalah class)(a 6 am Dream Yoga class)(7 am morning practice)(& other classes all day long, many of them free with free meals following) & during the day but sometimes only the teacher, responsible, practicing.

At Liberty everyone was there to learn & practice.  In the morning practice there would be 20 - 30 people from all over.  Each class or practice started with a bell that was rung 10 minutes before class time.  Aside from morning practice & eating with everyone, I kept my own schedule: conferring in the morning with Jordan over the day's filming, gathering everything from my bedroom & carrying it to the cave, 3 or 4 love appointments, laying in the hot tub & sun alternately afterwards, then writing & correspondence til evening. 

Sometimes at night & in the morning I would meet Tim & Roberto behind the shed & Roberto would teach me how to do a French inhale.  Aside from being extraordinarily sexy & making my eyes roll back in my head, he was trying to teach me how to use the tobacco as a sacrament.  It took total concentration.  For me to breath deep is to breath into my heart & lungs.  I had to make the smoke go backward.  The more I concentrated, the deeper I would breath into my heart. 

And the deeper the smoke would be in my lungs.

Jordan said Roberto was the real deal because he had an accent. This was a joke but Roberto was the real deal.

I got it a few times. It was fleeting.

Young & Sweet & Wicked & Wise. 

On the last day, they both helped me bring the wood to the cave to replace what I had used in my appointments.

We sat on the rug & smoked together.  Totally not on the agenda.

As I was leaving, Tim brought me the hugest chocolate truffle, a little bit cherry.

march 23

invisible love

march 24

jordan

I haven't said much about Jordan & I don't know why.  I love him so.  Without Izzy here, he became my partner by process of elimination. 

I feel so cherished here at Rudra & Liberty Advance, but no matter how much the guest is cherished, they are still other.

Jordan was my brother lover for the last two weeks.  We were inseparable and wore our NYC badge without apology & with grace (& w/ just the slightest amount of cockiness, when provoked). 

We always found each other.  No matter where we were or what we were doing, we had an invisible umbilical cord of the best kind: no guilt & no expectation, just a similar work ethic (never say no)(to opportunity) & finding everything ridiculously interesting (or just ridiculous). 

He filmed every single love session. I never wanted anyone to film me loving people before.  I thought it would wreck everything.  I didn't think I could be fluid with the technology around & I didn't think people would trust me with a camera in the room.  I thought they wouldn't be themselves.

I didn't know him before he came but when he asked me if I would be interested in making a film I said yes.  I just said yes.

He was invisible but present in everything, like Smoke.  I think Mursshud liked that name for him.  Jordan/Smoke better watch out.

Today, right before he got on the plane, he said "It was an honor watching you work."  Kind of formal and it blew my mind.  I never felt him witnessing me.  If I had thought about it, I would have worried what he thought, but I didn't.  We were one. 



 

march 24



from jordan:








I am going to let the film speak for itself, so here on the blog, I want to talk about my life with Kathe in California.

She was fantastic to work with. We were great allies, both thrust into unfamiliar territory. I am not sure if I could have survived without her!

One of the big things I gained is a comfort with grayness.

I wondered, could i learn something from their teachings and way of life here, despite my rejection of the supernatural and theism components?

I have gained much from Buddhism without accepting the idea that Buddha was anything other than a man so why should this be different? But then you find yourself in an environment that is full of people who accept the existence of astrology, chakras, energy healing, immortality and reincarnation…. Well it is one thing to read these things in a book, or have a few mantras quoted in a philosophy class, it's quite another to be in a society where you are the only non believer.


I felt very uncomfortable, and while in Long Beach I felt no need to point out what I accepted and what I rejected, in Boulevard   I lost that detachment and I began telling people, shortly after introducing myself, I didn't believe in any of this and my form of meditation was simply to follow the breath, or do nothing at all – just watch the thoughts and let them go.

Some were accepting, others were amazed that someone would do that, but none were critical of me. And that absence of resistance perhaps allowed me to return to detachment. (It also helped when I stopped attending the classes and went rock climbing, hiking and hot tubbing)

The biggest area of learning was around negativity.

A few years ago I realized I use "I'm okay, You're Not Okay" as a defense mechanism when I am uncomfortable. I also use "What is wrong or will probably go wrong soon?" as a way to protect myself. So often I have been disappointed, that I am preparing myself for the other shoe to drop. I cleared that out over the two weeks, both in Long Beach and at Boulevard… and feel I don't need to go into that mode for protection.

How I did that? Simply by watching my thoughts and knowing the opinions that arise are not me, they are simply opinions. Same for emotions.





At their intensive they wake up up every two hours and jot down briefly details about their dreams, particularly the emotional state – I did it 3 nights so far and it is a brilliant way to see this. While asleep you are getting emotions, the same emotions you get in waking life,  but at night it is clearly during a delusion (a dream). This practice shows, at least it shows me, emotions are nothing special and not tied to reality, and certainly not me, they are just stimuli from the inside rather than the outside. You don't, in my opinion have to accept that life itself is a dream and both worlds are equally valid, or that you have a chakra or channels of energy or anything to benefit from this practice… too see the thoughts, judgments and emotions that you get in waking life are just as arbitrary as those in sleeping life. Yes the consequences in real life (like finger in the light socket) are more dire and thus cannot be ignored, but by using your dreams to peel apart your mind from your true self, breaks down the power opinions have over you.

I began to see the opinions of others about me, and opinions about me that my mind serves up, are just thought objects, far from real.

march 24

from jordan II:

Another big breakthrough with seeing the insignificance of the real came after Aljabar personally invited me to the “Dance odyssey” which was the evening’s movement class. A CD with 5 songs each a different mood. 

I see, in the bright lights, a room of 20 or 30 other people gyrating around with complete abandon, and I feel completely turned off on the idea of joining in. and the music is loud and I can’t just stand there like the only wall flower so I go outside to look the star filled sky.

This feeling of being alone was common. . . comedically illustrated by the practice of nude hot tubbing. Everyone was nude in the hot tub but me.

I felt like such an outsider. Knowing my pals back home would be equally, or more uncomfortable, was no help. I was here. I was the outsider.

So I sat outside while they all laughed and frolicked to the music. I felt so sad and so alone. But I decided not to resist the feeling.

So I sat with that discomfort and made peace with it. I didn’t feel like dancing. In a club with drinks and music, I feel okay to dance. Here is was just weird and I wasn’t going to force myself.

But I went to the entrance of the room and Cindy spoke with me, and it was sweet of her and I stepped inside and Melissa looked at me and so we dance a little bit. Then the music shifted to meditation and the instruction was to “lie down and feel free to snuggle with someone” … and while I wanted that, especially after seeing all these love appointments where Kathe and the subject get such a rush of emotion… and after seeing the couples together out there, I craved that warmth, but I felt too inhibited to engage in cuddling… so I did not reach out to the person next to me… as much as I wanted to do so.

So there I am alone, lying facing the ceiling, a room of people snuggling. If I felt alone outside, I really felt alone now. But I didn’t resist it, I just took it in. 

And while the others stayed up partying, I went to bed alone.

I am sitting there feeling badly but trying to take it in, not resist it, then it hit me. A new thought.

It was about judgment. Me judging others. Me judging myself. Others judging me. All of that, it did not matter. And I was set free.

march 25

i miss you





I miss my boyfriend so much my skin hurts.

Not like I haven't been getting gobs & gobs of love.

Even still.

Learning how to make it all equal.  Every molecule of love the same weight.

But my body doesn't want to learn and holds onto the special spot.

I was a complete freak last night, reaching out into the ether with the phone, trying to touch flesh.

march 25


america's next top model



Falling in love with Absolut Beauty.

Kind of a no brainer, really.

But there's always so much more going on than what you think.  Even with a smarty pants like me.

The other day at Liberty Advance, Rudi said about Mursshud (I believe she was quoting him): "Treat me like an ordinary man & you will get an ordinary experience.  Treat me like an extraordinary man & you will get an extraordinary experience."

Absolut & Mursshud are partners, what ever that means in this world, this modern world & here at Rudra.

They have birthed a beautiful daughter, LeeLoo, who is raised communally by her parents & the Rudra family.

Two experiences:

Absolut & I sitting shy & eager in my bedroom.  She brought me sweet peas.  She tells me that Mursshud initiated her & several others on the last day at Liberty & even she cannot describe what transpired.  I ask her over & over what it means.  She speaks of Mursshud as if he is other than the man I see walking around here everyday.  She says it feels as if her soul was branded.  She is exhausted & has been in bed all day.

It is 11 o'clock & I receive a text from Absolut free wanna watch tv and I enter the tv room to find she & Mursshud curled up with chocolate & America's Next Top Model.  We gossip & laugh.  Mursshud is goofy & happy to have 2 beautiful women around.  He refers to Absolut as my wife.  Absolut's calve touches my foot and stays there the whole time.

march 25


chlorophyll = the love is in the food







Last month I spent a few weeks at the Ann Wigmore Institute in Aguada, Puerto Rico.  It is a raw foods educational retreat center where people go to detox and learn how to prepare living foods, not just raw . . . which means not just salads and avocados but plants that were alive up til the minute you chew (& chew & chew & chew . . the life is released to you in the enzymes) them releasing the love in your mouth, into your blood stream.  I am not just being hyperbolic here -- the love is released from the food it is true, don't take my word for it . . get some green stuff, organic, the live stuff is the sprouts, or the greens right out of the garden . . and put it in the blender, food processor . . I will give you the recipe, take that sun & life & put it directly in your body, I am telling you . . at first it tastes like you have your face right in the dirt of the garden but once you get that feeling, the love feeling, over & over, when you see the sprouts in the blender, your heart starts to pump like your lover is on their way over . . & those of you who know me, know that is tremulous but on a volcanic agenda . . the thing that would really get you on the love vibration is the wheatgrass & write me here for the secret love formula . . I felt my ability to both open my heart like a screw top at will & with a moments notice & focus & create like some kind of gorgeous wildfire . . . I am cellularly more of everything.

I want to bring the True Love Project to Findhorn.  I hear they talk to the love source of the plants there.  Anybody with any connections please let me know.



THE KEY TO SELF-HEALING IS - HIGH ENERGY NOURISHMENT! (ENERGY SOUP)

By Dr. Ann Wigmore

 

WHY ENERGY SOUP? The reason is that it works! Energy Soup gives the body's cells fuel to be nourished which provides for self-healing in the quickest possible way. Another reason that this Energy Soup is high-energy nourishment that is fermented    slightly from the blending with Rejuvelac. This means that Vitamin E in the the mixture prevents oxidation, so we can keep it all day. Energy Soup provides a complete form of basic elements that are needed for rebuilding health quicker. It helps to overcome addictions because it is easy to digest. Most of the essential elements are easy to digest and essential nutrients found in Energy Soup are important in providing a means for self-healing the body and mind, and in helping with addictions. It can also help with many other health problems that people suffer with every day, which generally have been brought on by poor nutrition, especially by overeating.

 

ENERGY SOUP (HIGH ENERGY NOURISHMENT) is best taken about five times per day in small amounts (1 cup or less per serving). For variety you can put into the         Energy Soup 1/2 cup of cut-up banana or some alfalfa sprouts so there is something to chew. Chewing is important so that the food mixes with the saliva and thus the body can better begin the digestive process.

 

HOW TO MAKE ENERGY SOUP : We will begin with a list of the basic ingredients and amounts. But this is to be used only as a guideline. Generally, I do not like to specify amounts and measurements - use your own judgment and allow for your own creativity. It’s best to occasional add different ingredients such as peeled cactus, sweet potatoes or carrots, but the basic ingredients should be included. The most important elements and the ones that you will use in the largest quantity are the greens.

 

BASIC INGREDIENTS :
        Seaweed (dulse)
        Rejuvelac Sprouts - mung beans, green peas, lentils
        (one handful is a good amount)
        A large amount of a variety of organic greens
        Peeled apples or watermelon, including rind, or papaya alfalfa

       *I use commericial (raw) Kombucha drink or (raw) Bragg's Apple Cider Vinega (1 tablespoon to 8 oz water) to blend if I don't have rejuvelac. 

        (THE LOVE ARTIST)

 

PREPARATION : Put your soup or salad in a blender, put about 1 tablespoon of dulse (if dulse is granulated use one teaspoon) and add about 1/4 to 1/3 blender full Rejuvelac (it may be necessary to later use more if the blender has problems         handling the ingredients). Put in all of the ingredients that are tough and hardest to    break down such as the sprouted mung, peas and lentils, sweet potatoes and carrots (if you should use sweet potatoes or carrots). Blend

 

Next, add lots of greens. The most important greens to use are the greens from your indoor garden such as sunflower greens and buckwheat lettuce. Other greens such as cilantro, watercress, parsley, celery (parsley and celery greens should be blended with the tougher ingredients because they take longer to break down) and carrot greens can be used. Any healthy organic greens can be used. Kale greens can be bitter tasting. Some people prefer milder tasting greens so use your own judgment to suit your needs.

Fill the blender as full as possible and blend the greens lightly. Turn the blender off and allow the contents to "settle down". Keep adding greens and blending them lightly until there is about 1 1/2 inch of space left at the top of the blender.

For taste, add one or two peeled/cored apples or some papaya. In Puerto Rico, we use papaya and in Boston we use apples or watermelon rind when in season. The last thing that goes into the soup is 1/2 or 1 whole avocado to thicken it. Blend the entire soup. If avocado is not used, then almond cream or soaked sunflower seeds can be used.

 

Most of all, Enjoy!

 

march 25


from jordan III:






The next day, our day of departure, I felt very detached, as in Detached. In other words, I could imagine enjoying things if I got them or enjoying myself, if I did not get them.

Either way, things would be fine. This is what they say about Love. If love is crowded out by attachment or overshadowed by the needs of your hungry ego (proving yourself to your potential or existing partner), then love has no room to really take root and blossom.

So… the big lessons I learned living amongst these people and seeing Kathe do her love appointments and talking with her?

Numerable and life changing. Here are a few, some I've mentioned:

Seeing the ego, seeing the grey, being with negativity not resisting it, and letting go of judgments -- all ones that I could perhaps only learn by being so confronted and so attached.

So that's the end of my journal. The credits roll. Below if you care to keep reading… like the end of a movie, I am going to recap images of the people and things I saw that will stay with me.

Wambezi doing a “matrix healing” on me. … I thought if my friends back home could see me now!

Seeing people huddling around the vibe machine… filled with invisible noble gasses that are electrified to sync your cells to that of a 14 year old girl.

Flo, who has this practice to ask “what can I do for you in this moment?” and I thought we always say “how are you” or “how you doing” or what is up? – and I found my mood went up and down these two weeks, just as it has my whole life and just as it is for most people… so to ask “how are you” it has no meaning. The question only has meaning if you are feeling badly and I can help by taking action or providing sympathy/empathy/compassion or, if you are feeling great, by helping you celebrate or feeling proud of you or happy for you. What I like about “what can I do for you?” it is about taking action, not asking a meaningless question…. That said maybe I can ask “how are you” with the intent of how can I help or empathize with your current state. Maybe “are you awake”or "are you present” is an even better question. I will try that in NYC and see what kind of looks I get! Out here things are more free.

Asking Cindy if she’d ever been with people who were more open than her and she told me about going to an orgasm ceremony where they pass the orgasm along from one person to the next. I was glad to hear others have boundaries too, theirs are just a bit further out than mine!

Finding the practice of changing your name to Absolut Beauty or Promiss Purrfume or Wambezi as initially funny, yet after using the names finding now it seems totally normal.

Oev, upon discovering Dr Ji's birth name suddenly realized she’d been throwing out his mail for years! 

Finding the weird normal in general, this extends to multiple partners and non attachment (not owning the person you are with) . . . The lessons here are “love love, not the lover” in other words the feeling you have inside when that object is around is the thing you get into not the object itself. And detachment/impermanence. I think it's a hard way to learn this lesson and when emotions get stirred up, the price of the lesson may be too high, but that said, I am curious if I could do it myself someday and learn from it.

So . . . the most interesting two weeks of my life. . . I could see visiting here again. They were so gracious to me, everyone was so nice.

I see the benefits of group life. Maybe I can find a group myself with no religious focus, chanting, etc. Of course I could start one, but I see the challenges. If you get members who are angry, or slackers, or with odd habits, it would be hard. Also my main goal is to grow my meditation and self awareness, the more interesting the mechanics of group living, the less one can grow. Some say the confrontations build growth, and I have experienced that, but I prefer less tumult.

I left NYC thinking I don’t want to get into another relationship, and now, I am looking forward to one.  I left New York being judgmental, I am much less so now.

march 26

izzy





Ok, I don't know what happened to Izzy and I may never know.  Sometimes I feel her like a cramp in my gut & I don't know what to make of that.  If I'm feeling bad or I'm feeling compassionate or I'm projecting my own discomfort on her.  It's hard to keep loving someone who won't let you love them, & what does that love really mean?  Is it love if they don't love you back? Of course I think it is, otherwise I wouldn't do what I do, but it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when it's unrequited. I don't know if Izzy even understood the project.  I got the feeling she never went to the website.  I think she really wanted to get off the reservation & that was good enough for me.  If I really mean what I say, that I love anyone that places themselves in front of me, that I love them to the best of my ability, then it doesn't matter if they respect me or even get me at all. 

My own  children don't let me love them the way I want . . well they can't stop me, but they certainly don't respond the way I expect them to.  Often times the way I love them comes out (I don't understand this . . . but . . LOL . .) in a form that completely annoys them, in a form that causes them to push away.  How can this be, when I have the best intentions?

Is it presumptuous to love someone who doesn't want to be loved?  Is it presumptuous to offer something that you think will be of service, something that will alleviate suffering, something that will be just the right thing?

I grew so much in the last couple of weeks &, like an alchemical formula, Izzy's disappearance & lack of communication has to be part of that, like a big gift.  All I could do was take what was given me & work with it, by myself, take the challenge . . .

Tonight in the L word (now we get to the real bible of love) Tina was texting some kind of reconciliatory message for Bette to send to her current girlfriend -- I mean what can be a better tool for love than your ex-girlfriend? - and what is better way to melt a heart inured to love than by admitting up front all of your flaws? -- anyway the first line was "When I am scared, I micromanage . . . " I have to admit, there were moments of real frustration & irritation when she wasn't at the airport.  If I had known where she was, I thought of going & getting her.  But I didn't. I couldn't. 

Some people might have thought I gave up, on my project, on Izzy. I really got down, when Izzy didn't show up, got on my knees and stayed there close to the ground, being me. Humility is perpetual quietness of heart.  I saw how simple it is, the heart.  It is not about getting or being or doing anything particular.  It is about growing.  By loving you are growing.  From one minute to the next, from one second to the next, you have grown.  You can't stop this, like photosynthesis, it is food, it is supply & demand . . the specificity of the modern love, the supreme attraction to the individual is just a style, just a flavor of love . .

Today Camilla attempted to teach me about neurocardiology, I was a poor student . . but I think that I got that the heart, the organ that pumps blood throughout our body, is intelligent, which means that it has actual neurons firing, like in our brain, like in our nervous system -- information is traveling there, in & out.  I admit I was busy being pampered by her attention & my mind was somewhat limp -- but here it is, a beginning, from what I could gather:


The heart has its own independent nervous system with around forty thousand neurons (60 to 65 percent of all the cells in the heart are neural cells) - a heart brain.

Neurocardiologists and other researchers are discovering that the heart provides the most effective way to affect your physical health, your emotional well-being, your cognitive abilities, and, for our purposes, your ability to listen to greater wisdom and to direct your life by that wisdom.

And there is strong evidence that by connecting with your heart (by consciously bringing up pleasant feelings like love or appreciation), you affect others around you.

Your heart produces 2 1/2 watts of electrical energy each time it beats, creating an electromagnetic field identical to the electromagnetic field around the earth. This field takes on a torus, or an egg-like donut shape, that extends beyond your body from three to twenty-five feet.

Chilton Pearce and others speculate that we may be able to link our hearts with those of others, perhaps using the holographic nature of the torus to promote well-being in others. At the very least, this practice of tuning in to your heart dramatically reduces stress, improves your creativity, and helps you feel more at peace and compassionate.

Tonight, in the dark, in the absolute darkest corner of the night, I can only hope that somewhere in Montana, there was a ripple effect from my heart in that cave, vibrating with those brave people, to Izzy sitting in her home or walking out in a field or sitting in a car or wherever she could have possibly been, wherever she is at this moment.  I have the best of intentions, I really do.

march 27

more I wanna











what I was saying . . . the heart wants to grow & that is what is important, the growing & the food & you . . the heart wants to grow, like a baby wanting to talk or crawl or reach for the most difficult impossible thing, -- & we can reach that thing & touch it -- that is love & we can't stop it . . if we say no, it is that sad, to tear away a natural enthusiasm, to throw it away -- the baby wanting to touch, that reach, the by-products of that drive to love, completely user-friendly & ambidextrous, non-exclusive, recyclable. There is enough, and there is more.

march 27

juicy root lessons

On Sunday morning, I asked Mursshud what to do when I felt so much creative energy & had so much love & energy coming in & going out that I felt jammed up.  Sometimes I feel like I just have this tiny little portal out & everyone & everything is cramming to get in or out.  I know this must not be the truth. Mursshud said he had been just thinking about this the last time he saw me & what his answer was was to tell me to get into my root chakra, that I needed a juicy root . .  & he then directed me to Absolut for guidance . . .

I know this all sounds kinky & yes it is, in the best sense of the word & Absolut & I could only smile.  The thing is that I had just gotten this guidance a month or so ago from a Sat Nam Rasayan healer that told me my creativity & sexual energy were frying my adrenals, so it seemed contraindicated to bring the energy down, as Absolut said, "To feel like you are ready to have sex all the time."  This seemed to be what my problem was, not what the solution should be.  She explained, or rather we figured it out together, that there is a difference between the root and second chakra -- where my creativity had been living -- the fire that was cooking me -- the root chakra would ground me to the earth's core, giving me more resources, the ability to expand past my body & be in my body simultaneously . .

Of course we giggled over this, laying on the beach in the wind, whispering . . all night we texted back & forth, even in the midst of sleeping . . Absolut coaching me:

imagine a deity or someone really powerful that u r connected to dancing in your root

&

breathe your root w the earth

&

imagine a light of gold or green breathing between yr root & the earth's core

I am a good student.  I practiced all night.  I am practicing right now.

  +

+

march 27

taking refuge

tapihritsa

" . . visualize that out of the deity's crown
comes a white nectar into your crown.
this nectar flushes all the impurities out of your body
and into the ground
until your body is clear like crystal.

under the ground is a demon with a large gaping mouth,
representing the aspect of yourself which is
your own demons & distractions, and consuming the impure substance
until full & satisfied.

the demon becomes satiated & so will not disturb your concentration & practice . . "

from 9 Preliminary Meditations - Ngondro

march 29


absolut

<3

thank you

xox

march 29


behind the scenes (I fly home) love

 

 

I am so lucky to do what I do

melissa & daphne love appointments

kali cave

liberty advance

photographed by absolut beauty & paul tryba

march 29

come on (nyc springtime)(sunny day)

home

reintegrating

practicing

new root invitations

new party

love being

meow




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march 31

taking to my bed


Tired but exhilarated, I can't stop sleeping. In my dreams I am moving through rooms & fields of people gathering.  I feel things being taken from my body, liberated, energies flying around, things being stowed away deep in my heart, treasure.

It's so easy for it all to evaporate, to not remember, for the intangibility, masquerading as futility, to sweep over everything, like the shore after a storm, seemingly quiet.

This morning I sat for a long time & I felt myself reach out to myself, so corny but so special. 

The tiniest things.  The tiniest things. Almost nothing.  Barely moving through the world.

It is spring.  I feel just the hint of it, a breeze on my cheek, a flicker of light, slight vertigo response.

Love you.

april 1

response

fan mail from camilla:

(forgive my flagrant narcissism, everybody, please . . . and accept this as an invitation to those of you who have not yet participated in the True Love Project . . come on . . . what are you waiting for? not scary, not (too . . ) silly , hot & cool, just you & me . . . xox tla)

(and don't be shy, you other love-philes, comment here, i know you're out there, i can see you out there, come on come on come on, seduce the world with me, i know you know now how, you are the true love project big time & you know it xoxxo)

(& big superstar love to you camilla, you brave thing & that voice . . yummy . . xo tla)

Subject: you are . . . . 

...so on the pulse of who
we need to become.
how could i not validate you.
it would be like not validating
love.

the great gurus all talk about love
draped in white robes
and orange sashes
and surrounded by devotees.
but you make it palpable for the householders among us
in a form so endearing
heart wrenching
humble

because you manifest love
in the form of a woman who
lays down with you in the afternoon light
to talk about love

who listens to your thoughts
and dreams
and desires
as if they were real
as real as the afternoon sun
that stretches across the rumpled bed
to touch your heart
with peace

it's easy to validate a practice so real
so primal
so palpable
as loving the world
the way you do

the world in the form of
the beloved
disguised
as anyone...


love to you,
camilla

april 3

less thought & more experience

I am up late & up early . . home at last & hardly home, missing the road already . . I stole this image from one of you & now I can't remember who . . thank you . . . hyper vigilant for the growing stuff, the living food, I sniff as the birds start chirping & I can smell the dirt way below the sidewalk . . things speed up instantly & I don't know what to do next, my mind tells me a million things . .

Three days back & I am more nomadic than ever more than when living out of a suitcase . .

Steve came home last night & right up til the last minute -- even past the last minute -- I thought I can live like this, white hot & alone, you know, like a yogi that lives on air . . I can live like a pony express heart . . relaying from one xray blue heart heuron to the next

& then I smashed into home.

Going a hundred miles an hour.

Oops.

A human girl.

may 16

the last word

april 24

Sorry about what happened I got into a bind with my older sister we we ended up fighting two nights before and I ended up in jail so I couldn't make it. I hope it wasn't any hassle and I hope that you were able to get a refund or something. Other than that I've been having a hard time I'm staying in Billings at the Womens Family Shelter for now trying to get ready for college. I hope you understand anyways I hope the trip was nice. Write back and tell me how it was.

luv izzy



may 12


izzy,

I'm sorry it took it me so long to get back to you.  I had been concerned about you, of course I was, from the minute you didn't show up & went through all kinds of feelings around it.  I had a few minutes of anger, I must admit, but mostly I was frustrated at not knowing anything & also frustrated because I thought we could do something really special together & I was disappointed.  I know I have only spent a short amount of time with you, but I am pretty intuitive about these things & I just knew our chemistry would be powerful for each other & for everyone else around.

All that said, I had an amazing couple of weeks.  You can read about it in my diary online if you want or have the time: www.publicloveproject.com & go the the diary for LONG BEACH . . I'm usually in charge of everything & when you didn't come, it made me drop everything, be open to the invitation of the accident, of what I didn't expect.  I learned a lot.

I hope we get a chance to see each other again at some point.  Let me know if I can help you in any way now.  If I can do it, I will.

love, kathe xxx